His Lowest Low

The distance brought an especially heavy silence to an already difficult reality. If I could only have tapped into the energy underneath him, and felt it so deep in my soul. If I could have been enough for him to let that wall crumble, to lift his tough veil and pour all of me deep inside. I felt positive energy within myself and begged for it to come from him. The first day of 2018 I sent positive energy into him. For a brief time he felt it, and he was himself again. Was I just seeing what I wanted to see? What I had pleaded for for the last year? Our connection, our lust, our friendship. I wanted him to fight for me. A very good friend and mentor heard my story and urged me to look at it differently. While I wanted him to fight for me to come back, she said he shouldn’t have to, that he already had me. Why did I doubt this; maybe he didn’t have me anymore?

As quick as he came back, he was gone again and the victim. I had a perfect life and he had nothing. Attitude is a choice, reaction is a choice, negativity is a choice. Why was I trying so hard to make the effort, to be positive, to be all in, and enabling him to be resentful, and feel victimized without responsibility. If I was truly helping him rise to the occasion, we would both feel good. My exhausted and tireless efforts had not seemed to help us stay strong. I always apologized, it was always my fault. But where were the fruit of his actions? While its no fun to kick someone to the curb at their lowest low, if you constantly bail them out, they’ll never wake up and save themselves. There is so much love in this world, and there is so much love locked up under a veil. A veil of hurt, of confusion, of expectation, of oppression ; no matter the mask, so many will hurt before they love. He needed to save himself, and we both needed to love again. Maybe all that was left to do, was remove the hurt and hope that he grew to love himself.