A Home

To the Optimist,

It had to get to this point for me to know. If I had gone back that very day in December I would have always wondered. I would have regret, and figured, that I could have been better off. The ultimate conjecture, when you’re so sure you’ve made the right choice and for a full year you live a live without any regret. You live and love in your dream without holding back, looking back, or hurting. You barely cry, you always smile, you kiss, and love, and heartbreak, and break hearts. Your 50/50 here and there - You stay up too late but achieve your goals. You work your ass off but travel the world. Slowly though, the hurt builds up and sometimes you let it out, but mostly you just try to move on. Like bricks inside your sinuses you push to forget and forget and forget until, there’s no space left. 95% occluded and you need to restart it all. Fiercely independent, alone to plug away is my preferred mode of reflection, but so in need of others, others to love and to love me. It’s like I need the convenience of kinship but dont want the inconvenience of someone taking up my time. Sometimes it pushes people away, but sometimes they push me. I need someone to push me, to push me to need them. I need to be more vulnerable, and let someone love me. I need to stop running away, and brushing off, and thinking I’m better off on my own. Fierce independence and unwavering optimism, should be my middle name. I want to own that, but also own openness, dedication, and loyalty. I want someone to feel so lucky to be with me, not scared that one day I will run away. I want home. A home. A place where I finally feel like I am safe, and dont have to keep searching. I miss everyone so much. I miss my family and friends and I miss my Vancouver family and friends and when I even think about leaving I miss every single person that I love here.

There is a home for me, I can feel it and I know it. It’s a place I’ve been before and it’ll feel so safe when I find it again. It’s not far away either. Its at my fingertips, and its trying to explode out of me. The thought that it could be so close and so beautiful is all I think about.

Love from San Francisco
Lauren Gavrailoff, T.W.O