Chapter 1

To the Optimist,

Sometimes I’ve found myself saying “Can you believe the heat today?” while making conversation. It always feels like a lie, reminding me of when I begged for the heat 8 months of the year. Very early on I started noticing this masquerade I was carrying on, living in a world that never quite seemed real. Like a vivid daydream that never ended. Imagine truly living, but always waiting for yourself to wake up. When you drive down Newport Blvd, sun setting through the palm trees, surfers and families arresting your relaxed commute at crosswalks, you feel just as much a tourist as they are. And maybe that’s why you feel it, because you are a tourist, in a haze of temporary stability and never truly home.

Regardless, this place enthralls you. Everything is new, from the spring smells to the sounds of the waves at night. The people are generally friendly as they hurry through their busy lives chasing a similar dream. You know you aren’t that different. You know even though you grew up in a simple city with a frugal life, that you have come to appreciate the depth that other places can offer. It doesn’t make you forget where you came from, but it damn makes you appreciate it all more. The sunsets just a walk away, the bike rides along the ocean in nothing but a bikini, all as you wonder if you could ever imagine a better place to be.

I’ve been told that my path to success has an upward trajectory, that I am the only one who is going to limit my growth and potential. But I remember how I got here, and I know it is because I have worked hard my entire life coupled with the good fortune to not suffer any major setbacks. I always dreamed of more success even though I often achieved it. A never-ending drive for challenge consumes me, and luckily I also have the talent, have learned some priceless skills, and had opportunity to grow. I’ve seen more parts of the world in the last two years than in my first 20. Some may say I am lucky, but I don’t think luck had anything to do with it. And now I found myself here, a woman who is still a girl in so many ways. Happy, yet longing. Fulfilled, yet so utterly empty. I know the decision is mine to make, but why has the answer been so hard to see?

March 2017